Sharing My Thoughts On Steamier Vanilla Sex for HuffPost

Vanilla Sex Can Be Great, But These 5 Things Will Make It Steamier by August Mclaughlin for HuffPost

Sharing my ideas about setting a sultry stage and lubing it up in this article. Vanilla sex isn’t boring!

Read five ways to make it more delicious

Book Review: Yes, Your Kid by Debby Herbenick, PhD

When I asked Debby Herbenick why she wrote this book. She said, “Parents need an update!” 

As a parent, sex educator and researcher, Herbenick says that, “Most of the sex education books for parents were written in the before times.” Not only were they written before current social media, but also before the internet as it is today with widely accessible pornography. There are some stark differences in the sexual lives of modern teenagers and young adults, and parents need to know about this sexual landscape in order to help their kids navigate it.

This book provides parents education around topics such as: taking and sharing sexual images, sexting, birth control, anal sex, pornography, STI’s and even includes a packing list for your college student. I appreciated the author’s detailed research and statistics, as well as her practical tips on talking to different aged children appropriately. Also included are some role play scenarios for parents to demonstrate how they can respond to questions and keep the doors open for further conversations with their kids.

The rise and mainstreaming of rough sex is one of the most profound changes that Herbenick wants parents to know about. I was so compelled by what she wrote in the book that I invited her to be a guest on the podcast. As she says in the book, “Today’s version of rough sex is different than you may think—more aggressive and riskier, and often with little or no communication between partners.” Listen in to hear us talk more about this topic (especially choking) in episode 91 that drops July 10th. 

If you are a parent of a tween, teen or young adult, I highly recommend this book as an excellent resource.

Buy on Amazon

Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.

Kivin Method

The Kivin method is more of a position than a technique. It is oral sex for her – sideways. This right angle can allow for increased sensations and highly pleasurable stimulation. Some describe experiencing involuntary, pre-orgasmic contractions and/or powerful orgasms with this position. 

How it works: 
Position: 

• The giver positions themselves perpendicular to the receiver’s vulva (T-shape)

• The receiver’s leg will be draped over the giver’s shoulder

• Try using pillows to make things comfortable

Technique: 

• The giver uses their tongue side to side across the vulva

• Focus on exploring the labia, inner thighs, and other areas first before the clitoral hood, and the clitoris

• Make circles, flick your tongue, gently suck - try different and varied techniques to see what brings pleasurable sensations

Remember that the clitoris is erectile tissue.
This means it will swell when aroused. 

Some givers of the Kivin method describe that once the clitoris is good and aroused, they can feel two tiny bumps on either side of the clitoral hood with their tongue. These are called  “K” points, and they are tiny - like a grain of rice. If you feel these, use your tongue across the clitoral hood between these points.

That said, not every person with a vulva enjoys this kind of stimulation nor has detectable “K” points. Experiment and play, then talk through these questions together:

• Do you like this kind of stimulation?

• Is it pleasurable for you? 

• As a partner do you enjoy giving oral in this position?

• Is it fun and exciting to try something new?

More on Oral Sex for Women

Three Sex Positions With Props

Lifted Missionary or Pillow Tilt

Prop needed: pillow/pillows - multiple soft, one firm, or a sex pillow specifically designed as a wedge 
How this works: The woman is laying on the bottom and the penetrating partner is on top. Place pillows under the woman’s buttocks in a way that lifts her hips. Experiment with height and angles that allow for the most pleasure.
Variation: The partner on top is in a standing position at the side of the bed. The woman can place her legs on either side of her partner, on partner’s shoulders or wrapped around her partner’s waist.
Why you might like this:
It can allow for deeper penetration, possible access to a g-spot, and more contact with the head of the clitoris via angling. It also provides a great visual and direct eye contact. 
Added bonus - if you pair direct clitoral stimulation with hands or a toy.

 
Chair Sex (variation on cowgirl)

Prop needed: chair - you may have to try a few to land on the right one for the rider’s height, leg, and hip flexibility (all chairs aren’t built alike)
How this works: The partner sits in a chair and the woman straddles her partner in a sitting position facing them.
Variation: Reverse the woman’s position so that she is sitting on her partner’s lap and facing out (reverse cowgirl). Again through angling, rocking, shallowing or pairing clitoral stimulation by the woman herself.
Why you might like this: It allows the woman to control her movements, angles, and timing to hit all the right pleasure spots. It provides lots of skin-to-skin contact, and direct eye contact. 
Added bonus - if you experiment with the pleasure techniques of rocking, shallowing and grinding.

Sex with height or heels

Prop needed: added height with heels or stairs
How it works: The woman wears heels for various standing positions. For entry from the front try a three legged dog position (she has one leg wrapped around partners waist). For entry from behind, try a standing spoon position or doggy style with a wall/couch/table for support. 
Variation: If you have access to stairs, you can use the different stair heights to position yourselves. For example: the woman kneels on one stair, her feet on a stair below that and her arms or hands on the stair above her. The partner kneels behind - on a lower stair. The woman will need to adjust her height to meet her partner’s pelvis comfortably. The partner below will need to hold hips for support.
Why you might like this:
Height discrepancies in standing positions can make things tricky or even uncomfortable. A little extra height may give your bodies the alignment they need.
Added bonus - pair direct clitoral stimulation with hands or a toy.  

Rather listen? Hear it on the podcast

Book Review: Women's Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston CNM, RN, BSN, LMT

If you have a desire to explore taking your pleasure to the next level, this book is for you. Women’s Anatomy of Arousal won the American Academy of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) Book of the Year in 2010. It’s been around a while and remains a steadfast favorite of many. 

Winston’s writing is easy to understand, and she comes across like a more experienced, sensual, big sister. Packed with education on women’s anatomy and physiology, this practical guide includes sections for '‘Play and Practice,” allowing you to get practical with the material.

If you are open to erotic exploration outside the so-called box, you will find this book both enriching and entertaining. Through drawings, art, quotes, and poetry, Winston educates on energy, breathing, a little magic, and a lot of “higher-level, whole-system perspective.”

I thoroughly enjoyed this book and Winston’s “in-depth, illustrated tour of the land of female genitalia, feminine sexuality and the intimate erotic arts.”

***** Highly recommend

Buy on Amazon

Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.

24 Conversation Starters and Questions to help you talk about sex with a partner

Current Favorites

1. What do you most enjoy about our sex life right now?

2. What do I do that really turns you on?

Let’s Do This More

3.  Are there things I can do to make sex more pleasurable, fun, or satisfying for you?

4. What are some of the reasons that motivate you to have sex.

5. Is there anything you would like more of during sex?

Consistency & Variety

6. Do you enjoy having sex the same way with some consistency? 

7. Do you ever wonder about adding more variety to our sex life?

8. Is there something you imagine us doing sexually that makes your heart race? (even if it isn’t something you want to do in real life)

Changing Interests

9. Is there anything you used to like sexually that has changed for you or no longer turns you on?

10. Was there anything in the past that you were not interested in, that you’re now curious about?

11. How do you feel about the amount of affection we show each other outside of sex? Would you like to see it change? Physically, verbally or in other ways? 

 
Frequency 

12. Is there anything you would change about how often we have sex?

13. How often would you ideally like to have sex?

14. How do you feel about scheduling a sex date?

 
Inviting Intimacy & Play

15. What is something we can do with our bedroom space that would invite more intimacy?

16.  Could we play more in the bedroom? 

17.  What is something that sounds playful or fun to you that we could try?

 
Senses & Sensual Touch

18. What parts of your body would you like me to touch more?

19. Which of your 5 senses is the most sensitive? 

20. How has the way you experience sex in your body changed in the last few years?

21. What are some of my body parts that you find sexy?

Initiation 

22. What is your favorite way for me to initiate sex?

23. When you initiate sex and I say no, what feelings come up for you?

24. How would you like me to say no, or not now, when you initiate sex, and I don’t want to?

Teaching kids about consent

Why I don’t want you to tell your kids that ‘One thing leads to another.’

Informed consent means yes to the one thing discussed and decided upon. 

It is not an implicit agreement to do anything else or to take things further; for example, agreeing to or initiating making out with someone does not mean yes to anything else until consent is revisited. 

Young people are often told that “one thing leads to another” when it comes to sex. Then they get into situations where that misguided mantra causes them to believe that if they gave consent for one thing, like oral sex, that means if things progress from there to penetration, well…
“one thing led to another.” 

One thing does not lead to another without revisited consent!

Consent also includes the right to revoke your yes at any time. If you consented, but then decide in the middle of an encounter that something is painful, emotionally triggering, or it makes you uncomfortable — even if you initially agreed to participate in it — you have the right to change your yes to a no! This is an important point about consent: You have the right to change your mind. You have the right to say, “Stop now!” 

• Consent means: Yes, to one thing discussed and decided upon.

• Consent does not mean: An implicit agreement to do anything else or to take things further.

• Consent includes: The right to revoke your yes at any time.

When should my child stop seeing me naked?

Nakedness in the home

At my parent workshops, one of the most frequently asked questions is “How should I handle nakedness?” Parents want to know what the age cut off is or when the appropriate time is to stop being naked around their child.

We all have various feelings and past experiences with nakedness from our own childhoods. This can influence how we feel about it as adults with children of our own. This topic is a good one for parents to talk about early in their parenting. Every home will look a bit different.

There isn’t one “right” age or time frame that works for “every” family.

Keep in mind that children are naturally curious. They will look at bodies out of that normal curiosity and it will prompt questions. Bare bodies are not damaging for children to see. Additionally, it’s important to remember that adults sexualize nudity long before a child does.

Young children don’t see through erotic glasses like adults do.

Pay attention to your child and their verbal and non-verbal cues. Are their words or actions communicating discomfort with your nudity? For example, do they walk in on you getting out of the shower and turn their back or avert their eyes? Do they stop walking into the bathroom with you like they used to?

Initiate a simple conversation with your child. Next time you are walking around the block together or riding in the car, pose questions such as: “Are you comfortable seeing me when I don’t have my clothes on?” or “How do you feel about seeing mommy/daddy naked.”

Thinking through the questions below and discussing them with your partner will assist you in understanding each of your comfort levels with nakedness and bodies. These questions may help you open a conversation about how you will navigate nakedness in your home.

1. Am I comfortable with my child seeing my naked body?⁣
2. Am I comfortable with my child seeing my partner's body?⁣
⁣3. When my child comes upon me naked, how ‘do’ I respond/react?⁣ How would I ‘like to’ respond/react?

Temperature Play

Dabbling with different temperatures can be a fun way to bring variety, playfulness, and new sensations into your sexy time. Our bodies have so many potential erogenous zones. It’s easy to focus solely on the genitals and forget the myriad sensitive areas over the entire body. Introducing hot and cold can be an intriguing way to explore with yourself or with a partner. 

Focusing on your senses helps you to stay present in the moment, get out of your head, and pay attention to what your body is feeling. Adding temperature is a relatively easy addition to sensual play. Getting curious about incorporating hot/cold and negotiating consent around it beforehand also alerts your brain to prepare and be on alert for new sensations. It can create exciting and sexy anticipation for your body to experience something new.

3 Ways to bring the heat

1. Use a massage candle or warmed massage oil to explore erogenous zones with heated wax/oil.

2. Drink something hot before kissing or oral sex

3. Focus a showerhead with various degrees of warm water on your genitals. For a hands free pleasure tool, consider the Waterslyde water diverter for an arousing water experience.

3 Ways to cool it down

1. Keep an ice cube in your mouth while kissing or during oral sex.

2. Run a piece of ice down your throat and follow the drip down to your navel or have a partner follow the drip with their tongue. Try the sensation of cold grazing the nipples or ear lobes.

3. Play with popsicles or whipped cream and have fun licking it off.

1 WAy to add intensity

1. Taking away one sense can heighten another. Consider blindfolding a partner on the receiving end of temperature play, with consent first of course. This can add an element of surprise and intensity to hot and cold sensations.

More on these topics:
Using your senses for pleasure
Your brain’s sexual excitement system
Waterslyde (use code CINDY for 10% off)
Maude massage candles (code CINDY10)

The clitoris has a hood

The clitoral hood is located at the top of the vulva where the labia minora (inner lips) meet. It is a fold of skin that protects the glans clitoris (the external part of the clitoris). The glans clitoris is packed with nerve endings and highly sensitive to touch and irritants, like friction. The hood is its protection.

Remember that the glans is only one part of the clitoris, the rest of its structure is internal, but still accessible for arousal and pleasure. 

The amount of the glans covered by the clitoral hood varies from body to body. Each of our bodies is unique. The clitoral hood may cover all, some, or none of the glans clitoris.

When you become sexually aroused, your clitoris becomes engorged or swollen, this pulls back the clitoral hood allowing for more external access to the glans. Be sure to allow yourself enough time for adequate arousal. For some people, the clitoral hood is large, has extra tissue or is very thick. This may interfere with the kind of stimulation they may want/need to the glans clitoris. Below are some ideas to try for a range of different bodies.

Stimulation and pleasure 

Sometimes it feels great to avoid touching the exposed glans and just stimulate the hood or layers of skin around it. For some people, the glans clitoris is sensitive to the point that it is uncomfortable when touched directly. Touching the hood may be a technique to explore for pleasure.

When you touch the clitoral hood and the skin around the glans - it gives the glans little nudges of stimulation indirectly.

Some people can orgasm from stimulation to the clitoral hood alone.

Techniques to try

• Up and down strokes on the hood

• Move the skin of the hood

• Circling the hood

• Tapping the hood

• Gliding over the hood

• Vibration sensations using a vibrator on or near the hood

If you have a very thick or larger clitoral hood

Techniques to try

Apply more direct pressure to the hood

Strong vibrations using a vibrator

Gently draw back the hood (if able) for more direct stimulation to the glans

Use adequate lubricant, and rub around the hood and glans to determine if you can “free up” the glans. If unable to, consult with your healthcare provider.

Some people suffer from clitoral adhesions that hinder the clitoral hood from fully retracting, if you feel this might be the case for you, see your healthcare provider to determine the cause and potential treatment options.

Learn more about these topics:

The clitoris - it’s a network!
Female anatomy 101
A guide to lube
Why female arousal takes more than 5 minutes
Why vibrators work for women
3 tips for boosting your arousal
Reclaim your arousal mindset
Talking about your sexual health with your medical provider

When kids ask questions

When your child asks you questions about sexual health, you certainly want to give them an answer. Consider going a step further with them to determine the why behind the question, so that you are providing the right information at the right time. It can be helpful for you to understand the reasons behind why they are asking.

One way to do this is by asking a follow up question such as, “What made you ask that question?” or “Good question! What have you heard about this?”

Here are the 6 TOP reasons kids ask questions

Information - This can be a simple straightforward inquiry. They are curious or possibly wanting context for something they have seen or heard. They’re looking for education and information.

Am I normal - They want to understand if they are normal, and what is normal. They are seeking to learn how they fit into normal when they feel like they don’t.

Shock Value - They are looking for your reaction to a question, their knowledge about something, or their desire to know something. Your reaction and response is giving them information about what they can ask you about. They may be thinking, “Am I allowed to talk about this topic with my parent?” or “Can my parent handle these kind of questions?”

Permission seeking - They are seeking to get your permission for something. They may also be trying to determine if they need/want your permission.

Values based - They want to understand the values you hold surrounding a topic or question. The older they get they may also be determining if they align with your values.

Personal - They have something going on with their body, sexuality, or other personal question. The inquiry is directly about themselves.

With all the above, try to be intentional about affirming the ask and helping them understand that you are a safe person to continue coming to with all their questions.

Learn more about this topic:
Be your child’s sexual health educator
4 questions for parents as they talk about sexual health
10 tips for parents
Childhood sexual abuse prevention: 2 tools
6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child

Tips For Speeding Up Your Arousal

Sometimes timing is everything! Try these 3 tips to speed up arousal.

Sex after exercise

Exercise gets your heart rate up and increases blood flow. This means blood flow to your genitals too. Think of it as priming the genitals for arousal. This can speed up the process. Additionally, bringing blood flow to the genitals will increase your potential for orgasm.

Sex in the morning

Have sex in the morning or afternoon rather than late at night or as the last thing before bed. You have more energy earlier in the day, and energy for sex comes out of the same fuel tank as everything else in your day. Additionally, hormone levels (especially testosterone) are highest in the morning.

Sex as the appetizer rather than dessert

Sex before meals - rather than after can be better for arousal. Big meals require your blood flow to go to your digestion. You want all available blood flow going to your genitals! Next time you’re planning a date night, think about sex as your appetizer, not dessert!

Learn more about these topics:

Reclaim your arousal mindset

Benefits of morning sex

Why women’s arousal takes more than 5 minutes

Community Questions: Arousal, Role Play and Condoms

Exploring your perspective of pleasure

How do you feel about pleasure?

Exploring Your Perspective of Pleasure

Did you grow up with education around how your body experiences pleasure? The combination of cultural messaging, lack of education and silence all factor into shaping our perception of sexual desire, as well as our ability to allow ourselves physical pleasure.

There is no shame in desiring, enjoying and experiencing pleasure with sex. 

More than likely, you don’t often see a woman depicted in a movie who enjoys and pursues sex for the pleasure of it. Even more unusual is a woman portrayed who desires sex because she wants to be pleased, instead of being desperate to please.

The exercise of understanding the messaging you have taken in around pleasure is important for your overall sexual health and ability to pursue pleasure. Investigate what your internal voice says and what you have come to believe about pleasure. Take some time with the statements below and ask yourself questions such as:

“Do I believe this?” or “Do I tell myself this?” 

• Sex is a performance for someone else.

• My partner’s pleasure and satisfaction are what matters most.

• Sex is not for my pleasure

• My sexual pleasure is wrong, not allowed or doesn’t matter.

• I am a vehicle for pleasure; I can’t receive it.

• My pleasure is a bonus, not a focus of intimacy.

• My partner is responsible for my pleasure.

After working through these questions, decide for yourself what holds true and what doesn’t. You have permission to throw out ideas you no longer believe and grab onto new ones.

You can give yourself - permission for pleasure!

Learn more on this topic:
Are you having sex worth wanting?
Permission for Pleasure Podcast
My letter to young women
10 ways to be sexual without masturbating

New year intentions for better sex

• Get to know your body and anatomy

• Gain more understanding of your sexuality

• Give yourself permission to try something new

• Get curious about eroticism and sensual play

• Gain more education about sex through the podcast

• Give yourself permission to talk about sex

• Grow your sexual conversation with a partner by using these prompts

• Gift yourself a vibrator or toy

• Grab a good lubricant for sex

• Get curious about temperature play

• Give your arousal a nudge with these three tips

• Get up for morning sex

• Go sexify your bedroom

• Gift yourself a sexual wellness retreat with my book Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden

• Get out of your bedroom boredom with an Ayra intimacy subscription box (use my discount code CS15)

• Glow up your arousal with Foria’s CBD Intimacy Oil

Sex and ADHD

Tips for intimacy with ADHD

Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is characterized by hyperactivity, restlessness, impulsive actions, and trouble paying attention. These symptoms may be influencing your sex life. There is very little available research around this topic, but I have gathered some tips that may help you to stay anchored and engaged to enjoy sex and experience more intimacy.

• Communicate with your partner. Be open about what you need, what helps you stay present and the things that make intimacy difficult for you. Honest dialogue will allow you and your partner to create intimacy that works for both of you. Sexual communication is key.

• Eliminate distractions in your bedroom. Are the lights too bright? Are the sounds too loud? Is there a TV on? What can you remove or change in your environment to keep your attention on the sensations you’re feeling and your partner?

• Add variety and mix things up to keep your attention active.

• Narrate your experience or have your partner narrate.

• Experience with playing different kinds of music to see if this facilitates your focus.

• Pick the time of day that’s best for you. First thing in the morning not your thing? Meet up for an afternoon delight date or try an evening sex date. Experiment with finding your ideal intimacy time window.

• Try scheduling sex which allows you time to mentally prepare for it.

• Exercise regularly. Activity can support focus and decrease symptoms.

• Talk to your healthcare provider about your ADHD medication. Do you have side effects that are affecting your libido? Is the timing of your ADHD medication working well with the time of day you are often sexually active? Most often, taking your ADHD medication will help you to focus and enjoy the sex you are having.

• Learn about mindfulness and start a practice. Mindfulness has been shown to improve general attention and concentration in people with ADHD. I highly recommend Dr. Lori Brotto’s book on mindfulness techniques as a way to get started.

• Meet with a trained sex therapist. Talk therapy may be helpful for you alone, or with your partner, to open healthy conversations around intimacy in and out of bed.

Learn more about these topics
Talking with a partner about sex
Sexual Communication
Sexify your space
Book review: Better Sex Through Mindfulness
Scheduling sex
Create a sexy playlist
Sex on the brain

Sexify Your Bedroom

How to build a sex-y bedroom: ten tips to sexify your space

We can’t all have an entire room just for sexy fun! But we can take some steps to make the space we do have feel sexier and more sensual. Research shows that those with the most enjoyable sex life, set up their environment for sex with intention. Choose from - moody lighting, mirrors, props, privacy and more.

level up your bedroom for better sex

1. First things first - get a lock on the door. It can decrease anxiety around being interrupted, walked-in on or surprised at the exactly the wrong time! Privacy and having a safe space for intimacy is your first priority.

2. If it isn’t for sleeping or sex - can you get it out of your bedroom? Clutter, dirty laundry, paperwork, electronics, unfinished projects - look around your space and see what you can eliminate that doesn’t help you sleep or have great sex. Get rid of distractions!

3. Keep the TV out of your sexy space. I know, I know! Some of you will strongly disagree about this, but studies have shown that couples have more sex when there isn’t a TV in their bedroom.

4. If it’s available to you, invest in high-quality sheets. The kind that make you want to slip into them. If that isn’t an option, wash your sheets often and use a lavender dryer bag or spritz them with an intoxicating scent you enjoy before jumping in.

5. Moody lighting. Whether you use candlelight, a dimmer switch, the soft glow from a small lamp or changing lightbulb that allows you adjust percentage/colors - light your room to match your mood. Create the atmosphere that turns you on!

6. Have a photo of you and your partner visible. This tip is especially for parents. Your children are amazing, but the family album on your bedside may not spark the desire you are looking for. It can be hard enough to switch from parent to lover, and a picture you really like of the two of you might be just the thing to remind you who you're in bed with.

7. Use a speaker for music or sound machine for privacy. Go ahead and create a sexy playlist while you’re at it or choose the ocean waves sound to get you in the mood.

8. Stop scrolling. Our phones are so distracting. Keep your head in the game and pay attention to each other rather than social media, email and texts. Let the last thing you touch at night and the first thing you touch in the morning - be your partner rather than your phone!

9. Mirror mirror on the wall. If you really enjoy the visual of watching your partner or watching the two of you together having sex, see if there is space for a mirror somewhere in your bedroom. Many people find this a turn on and a sensual way to connect with each other.

10. Bedroom props. Keep a pillow or two around to change up positions. If you like chair sex - keep one in your bedroom. Do you have a drawer or place to keep your toys and lube? Make sure the items you enjoy for sex are easily available.

Bonus Tip: Read these tips with your partner or listen to me talk about them on the podcast, and pick one or two ideas together to sexify your space!

My child is starting sex ed - Send HELP!

Ideally, sexual health conversations have already been happening in your home since your child was a toddler. If not, it is not too late. Take a deep breath, you have what it takes to talk to your child about sexual health topics. I am here to cheer you on.

First, let me say that most school-based sex education is woefully inadequate and certainly not comprehensive. It isn’t even medically accurate in most states, nor required to be by law. Pleasure is rarely, if ever, a part of the discussion and certainly must be. I could go on and on. Therefore, you as a parent play a critical role in your child’s education about sexual health.

The good news is – you don’t have to know all the answers! You don’t have to teach kids everything at once. In fact, it is best to have one conversation at a time. One question at a time. And one short topical discussion at a time. You can do this!

10 TIPS FOR PARENTS

• Let your child know that they will be having sex ed classes at school and when it will happen. Do not let it be a surprise to them. Giving them a heads up is good preparation and may help to open the doors to potential conversations with them ahead of the class, and in the future.

• Reinforce to your child that you want to talk about what they hear and learn. Show interest, just as you would over their other classes in school. Follow up and then follow up again.

• Be honest, tell them that it might be uncomfortable for them, their friends, and even parents - to talk about bodies and sex. Feeling uncomfortable is normal! And it is important and healthy to talk about bodies and sex. You might even apologize if you’ve never brought up the topics before. Reiterate your desire to do so moving forward.

• Parents can be given access to the curriculum ahead of time. Ask for it if this is important to you. Use it to jump start conversations at home ahead of the classes. The more context your child has, the better they will be able to understand and sift through what they learn.

• Ask questions about what they hear in the class. A good time to do this is while driving or walking the dog around the block – preferably not while sitting at the table face to face with each other (at least at first).

• To follow up, ask questions initially as well as after some time has passed. For example, initiate a conversation such as, “I was thinking more about the sex ed class you had a school and wondered if they talked about _____,” or “Remember the sex ed class at school, did they bring up pleasure and sex at all? It is an important part of sex and I want to talk to you about that.”

• Remind your child that you are available. Remind them often. Encourage your child to ask you their questions. Assure them that if you don’t know the answer, you will find out and get back to them. And then get back to them!

• Encourage your child to not use Google as their way of finding out sexual health information and education. Clearly explain that googling will often bring up results that are inappropriate for them at this age. This may lead nicely into a conversation about pornography and media literacy. Communicate that you are available to help them get the information that they want.

• Open a discussion about pornography if you haven’t done so already. Talk about what it is, what it isn’t, what to do if they come upon it or are introduced to it by someone else. Ask them in a non-judgmental manner what they have seen or if they have seen images. Reinforce what is healthy and unhealthy within the boundaries of your family values.

• Ask if they would like a book or books to read on their own or together to get more information. Please do not just leave them a book to read with no discussion. Another idea is to investigate educational websites to direct them to or to learn from together.

CHEERING YOU ON!

FOR MORE ON THIS TOPIC, CHECK OUT THESE LINKS:

My letter to parents.

Book a parent workshop with some friends.

Why Sex-Ed Really Matters

Mother/Daughter Interview: Healthy Conversations About Sex

Why We Need to Talk About Pornography

4 Techniques Women Use To Increase Pleasure With Penetration

While there are a percentage of women who sometimes orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, most of the women I have talked to over three decades as a nurse say that they cannot or rarely do.

You are normal if you do or don’t!

I want to share 4 techniques women use to increase their pleasure with penetration. To clarify, when I say penetration, this can mean a penis, toy, or fingers. These techniques outlined below provide stimulation to the clitoris which is the main pleasure organ for women.

OMGyes, a research company and website devoted to women’s sexual pleasure, in partnership with Indiana University School of Medicine, conducted a nationally representative study of over 3000 women ages 18-93, and I am sharing their results. These techniques were reported and named through their study and published in the scientific journal, PLOS ONE

Having language for what works or to describe what you want can be helpful.

It is helpful for yourself, in understanding your body and how you experience pleasure. Additionally, it can be very helpful in communicating with a partner - to describe what you want and desire. You may read one or more of these techniques and think to yourself, “Ohhhh, I do that!” Or, you might read and think, “Hmmmm…. I want to try that one and see how it feels!” Get curious and explore. Your pleasure matters!

4 ways women report experiencing more pleasure from vaginal penetration

Shallowing: 

84% of women report using this technique

This is touch that stays just inside the entrance of the vagina - not all the way into the vagina. It is often slower, shallow thrusts and more gentle motions. Some women report enjoying a “curling motion” over and over. Good arousal and warm up time is key along with adequate lubrication. The perineum or tissue between the vagina and rectum is sensitive and will want lubrication to decrease friction but not sensation!

Watch my demo on Instagram

Pairing:

70% of women report using this technique

This is basically including stimulation to the clitoris along with penetration at the same time. This can be done by either by the woman, by her partner or with a toy. Remember, the clitoris is the key to women’s pleasure. So, if you enjoy stimulation to the glans clitoris on the outside of the vulva -reach down to stimulate that area. You can do this yourself or ask a partner do it. Have a conversation about it and you might ask a partner if you can guide their hand to show them where/how you enjoy the touch. Also consider choosing positions that allow for this kind of reach to the glans clitoris.

Watch my demo on Vimeo

Rocking:

76% of women report using this technique

With rocking, penetration stays inside. There isn’t thrusting motion. This allows the glans clitoris to be in constant contact without interrupted stimulation. Some people may call this grinding or other terms. If you are doing this with a partner, one way to “remind” them to keep still might be to wrap your legs around them. This prevents them from moving and allows more grinding and rocking motions by you rather than them (whether you are on the top or on the bottom).

Watch my demo on Instagram

Angling:

88% of women report using this technique

You may be doing this naturally, as it involves rotating, raising, or lowering the hips to adjust where the penis, fingers or toy comes in contact with the clitoral hood or glans clitoris. The distance between the clitoris and vaginal opening varies from woman to woman so there is not a set landmark to gauge from. You might consider using a pillow under your buttocks and experimenting with height and firmness. Another option to try is rounding your back to tuck your pelvis up or putting one leg up. Get creative and try tilting different ways and in different angles for different sensations.

These four techniques identified by OMGYES can really help you to talk about things you want to try or positions you want to use with a partner. Communication is key.

Prefer to listen? Hear Pleasure Techniques on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast

Learn more about these topics
All about the clitoris
The clitoris has a hood
Orgasm questions
Why female arousal takes more than 5 minutes
Talking with a partner about sex
Why vibrators work for women
Guide to lube

Childhood sexual abuse prevention: 2 tools for parents

We all want to keep children safe from sexual abuse. While there is no foolproof way to protect them, there are some tools to help reduce the risk. The one to start with?

Teach your child the correct names for their genitals and body parts.

Children who know the correct names for their body parts are better able to tell you when something is wrong.

As your child gains language, move toward the two tools below. These give parents and caregivers tangible ways to direct kids with words as well as action steps when they are in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. This needs to be an ongoing conversation with your child - not a one time discussion!

IT IS IMPORTANT TO BRING THIS TOPIC UP REGULARLY.

Ask questions, role play, and provide opportunities for your child to talk about how to handle potential situations with you. Communicate often to your child that they can come to you with any concerns or questions.

Start with the 3 simple words for young children. Then, add the easy to remember acronym from NSPCC (which they call PANTS), as your child approaches school age.

FOR YOUNG CHILDREN

NO - use your voice and say no!

GO - use your feet and go.

TELL - use your mouth and tell a trusted adult.

AS CHILDREN APPROACH SCHOOL AGE

• Privates are Private

• Always remember your body belongs to you

• No means no

• Talk about secrets that upset you

• Speak up, someone can help

Learn more:

These tips are a part of my parent workshop. Book a workshop with a few friends!

Read my letter of encouragement to parents.

Read my conversations starters for parents.

6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child.

Listen to the Permission for Pleasure Podcast: Why Sex-Ed Really Matters and the Mother/Daughter Interview: Healthy Conversations About Sex

Do women ejaculate? What is squirting?

I often get asked these questions, and yes, women can ejaculate. Some women are aware that they do, though some may ejaculate without being aware of it. Both are normal. Ejaculating is not necessary for women to experience pleasure and it is not like what is portrayed in porn. There is no benefit to pressuring yourself to ejaculate, nor should you be expected to by a partner.

How it happens

The pair of glands on either side of the urethra (the hole where urine or pee exits the body) are called Skene’s glands. These glands can secrete a small amount of fluid during sexual activity. The amount would be approximately 1-2ml or a few drops of fluid - not a large amount. This is ejaculate. It is not urine, and it doesn’t squirt or project any distance. Usually it dribbles out, which is why many women may not be aware that it is happening. 

What about squirting?

There remains a lot of controversy and misunderstanding about squirting and the existing research on the subject is limited. Much of what people know about squirting comes from pornography or videos in which people are acting and performing. Most of what we see in these spaces is entertainment and unrealistic. 

Across women who report that they squirt, there is quite a bit of variance in how they describe it. The amount of fluid involved varies as well. Some report a few drops, others up to half a cup or more. This fluid comes from the urethra, not the vagina. It is watery, not slippery. There is discrepancy about what is included in the fluid and the scientific debate continues. The fluid comes through the urethra, so while it isn’t urine, it likely contains traces of urine and possibly a combination of other fluids.

For women who squirt, it results from firm stimulation to the urethral sponge either with fingers or a toy. The urethral sponge is a spongy cylinder packed with erectile tissue that surrounds the urethra. This is located above the roof of the vagina. This erectile tissue becomes engorged with blood and swells during arousal. Although the research on the subject is currently lacking, there is lots of correlation in how women report stimulation to the G-spot area, and squirting.

While squirting may happen with orgasm, one may occur without the other. For some it is associated with pleasure, and for others it’s not.

Pleasure is your guide

As you investigate sexual techniques, remember to let pleasure be your guide. Putting pressure on yourself or being pressured by a partner to achieve a certain goal creates an atmosphere of performance. This can lead to sexual shame, frustration, and decreased desire. Focus on enjoying the sex you are having, explore with mutual consent and allow yourself to be curious about experiencing more pleasure!