When your partner wants to try something new
Consent - Curiosity - Communication!
“My partner wants to try ______ (fill in the blank) and I am not sure I’m comfortable with that.” “Do I have to do it?” “How do I handle this?”
I field this question so often from women regarding any number of sexual activities. Using the three C’s can help you work through this.
Mutual consent is a non-negotiable
First and foremost, you don't have to do anything you are not comfortable with and your partner should respect your choices. You always have the right to say "No thanks!" It is vitally important that both partners be in agreement regarding whatever they choose to do sexually together.
Also, get curious
Get curious with yourself first. Ask yourself some honest questions about why you feel the way you do about whatever the request is. Are you afraid? Does it gross you out? Have you heard or read things that have influenced you feeling the way you do? Is it possible that fear of failure is an issue for you, if it doesn’t go well? Is there an alternative compromise that you might feel comfortable with?
Next, get curious with your partner. If you are in a trusting relationship and your partner is asking to try something new, ask questions to understand what might be the broader desire behind the request. Is it that they are bored? Want to experiment? Are feeling adventurous? Did they see or hear something that sparked their curiosity? Have they always had a sexual fantasy but never verbalized it?
Communication is key
We are all humans, and humans have sexual desire. It is a normal thing to talk about our sexual desires. Have an honest conversation with one another about your answers to the questions above. This can be really enlightening for both of you and your sexual relationship.
Keep in mind that trying something different, whether it’s a hit or a miss, provides you with new information. This can be super helpful and enriching for your intimacy. If you mutually decide to try something new, here are some questions for consideration afterward.
* Did you enjoy it?
* Did you experience pleasure?
* Did it feel just right?
* Is it just - not what you’re into?
* Did you discover, maybe not that exactly, but...
* Or that’s a yes, but perhaps with this adjustment.
CONSENT! curiousITY! communicatioN!
For more on this topic:
Talking to your partner about sex
Communication, Couples and Sex
Talking About Sex (when things aren’t great)
Sexual Communication
