Sex After Baby
First things first, Congratulations and I am so proud of you!
YOU CARRIED AND BIRTHED A WHOLE HUMAN!
Your body has been through months of changes and adjustments for pregnancy and then birth. When you add in massive hormonal shifts, the fog of sleep deprivation, possible physical birth trauma and complete care of another helpless human - you have a recipe for an emotional and physical roller coaster ride in the “fourth trimester.”
You are not alone in all the feelings and physical adjustments.
You and your body have worked hard and changed. You are also forming a connection with your baby. So much of postpartum is about taking care of another. While this is normal, it may also cause some disconnection from your body and/or your partner.
Communication is so important right now!
I cannot emphasis this enough. Keep an open dialogue with yourself about how you are feeling. Have ongoing conversations with your partner about how you both are feeling, coping, and relating to each other. Offer yourself and each other a whole lot of grace!
Now let’s talk about the boatload of misinformation and silence around sex after a baby. Quite often women tell one another stories about common issues or problems. Especially when it comes to intercourse being painful. Let me be clear:
Painful sex is not normal!
When we feel pain, we never want to tell ourselves to “just push through it.” Instead, we need to back up and evaluate what is going on. Studies show that 9 in 10 women report pain during sex postpartum, even up to 6 months after birth. Obviously, this is a very common issue, and we need to address it out loud.
It is crucial to remember that an issue being common, does not make it normal!
So, what advice have you been given so that you will not experience pain? Likely, the only information you received centered around waiting six weeks before putting anything into your vagina. This is minimally helpful, if at all. Most physicians subscribe to this guideline to ensure the vagina is healing, or the cesarean incisions are healing, and you have given your body a tiny bit of time to rest and recover.
This is a minimum recommendation -- not a mandate!
Many women do not feel ready for sex at six weeks and even long past that time frame. Normal! Occasionally there is a woman who is ready before that time. Again, normal.
The best way to approach sex after childbirth is to listen to your body and what she is telling you about when she is ready.
Do not pressure yourself, nor allow your partner to pressure you into sex you are not ready for.
If you haven’t heard this before, let me share a sexual health fact: Sex and pleasure are about more than just intercourse. Given all that is going on within your mind and body at this time, this is more important than ever!
After a baby is an especially good time to engage in times of naked playing, and intimate touching that doesn’t lead to penetrative sex. Try connecting with your partner in this way, before moving in the direction of intercourse.
With that in mind, here are some ideas:
Give each other a sensual massage, do my pleasurable touch practice, or lay side by side naked and cuddle, mutually masturbate, touch each other all over, or kiss each other from head to toe. These times of connection and pleasurable touch will allow you to engage your sensual self, awaken your body and reconnect with your partner.
When you are ready to try penetrative sex, consider the following:
Give yourself time to change roles before sex. Switching from new mama to sensual woman is not always easy. Whether this looks like time alone, a long shower, a bath or change of clothes – transition time helps!
You have an infant in contact with your body constantly and you may feel “touched out.” This is normal. Call it out for what it is; this allows you and your partner to normalize it, talk about it, and avoid hurt feelings.
Use lube, more lube, do not forget the lube. I highly recommend using lube the first time you have intercourse after baby - no matter what! If you are breastfeeding, even more so. Breastfeeding leads to low hormone levels which usually results in vaginal dryness and your body producing less of your own natural lubricant.
Allow adequate time for arousal. Female arousal takes more than 5 minutes and adequate arousal is necessary to avoid pain.
Have a birth control plan. In case you heard differently from a friend, here’s the truth: you can get pregnant while breastfeeding. Anxiety about getting pregnant again can lead to tension, and tension can cause pain.
Your hormones may still be shifting. Pay attention to what changes you are experiencing physically and emotionally. If you feel extremely “off” or depressed or unable to care for yourself or your baby, please call your healthcare provider to evaluate your hormone levels and get the help you need.
Your body has changed. She may tell you new or different things now. Listen.
What worked before in the bedroom to bring you pleasure may not be the same now. Shifts and changes are not a bad thing, they are normal. If the first time you have intercourse isn’t exactly fireworks, this does not mean you are broken, something is wrong with you, or you won’t experience great sex again.
If you experience some minor discomfort initially, this may be due to your body adjusting to having something in your vagina again. If you experience pain, this is not normal. Gently stop penetration and move to other sexual activities if you wish. Take some time to evaluate what is going on. Were you aroused enough? Were you lubricated enough? Do you need to adjust positions or depth of penetration? If these easier fixes are not the issue, make an appointment with your healthcare provider to check into what might be causing the pain. Please do not tell yourself things such as: “This is normal,” or “This is just the way it is now,” or “It will get better by itself.”
If your healthcare provider is unable to find the cause of pain:
Request a referral for a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist (PT) evaluation from your OB/GYN. Quite honestly, I feel every woman who carries and births a baby should have a few visits with a Pelvic Floor PT – so if anything seems amiss physically, (wetting yourself, painful sex, pelvic pain, back pain etc.) I strongly recommend getting a referral, in fact, insist on it!
If you are not experiencing pain but feel like you just aren’t experiencing pleasure
Consider all the things discussed above and how they might be affecting you physically and emotionally. You are in a very unique season of life. Get curious about what does feel pleasurable. It may be helpful to ask the question: does taking penetration out of the equation allow me to experience pleasure? If you feel comfortable, gently masturbating with or without your partner may give you insight into what your body responds to right now. Be sure and share what you learn about yourself with your partner.
These suggestions are not meant to be all-encompassing, but rather a part of the larger conversation. This is not medical advice. Please, always seek help from your healthcare provider if you have questions or concerns. If you would like to schedule a consultation call with me to help you navigate these issues, please message me through my contact page. You are not alone.
To learn more on these topics:
Lube, Lube, Lube
Pain and Sex
Your Body After Baby
Pelvic Health and Painful Sex
Sex, Postpartum & Breastfeeding
Sex and Pregnancy
Sexy in Survival Mode
Stretched-out Vaginas and Other Myths
