Faking orgasms is sexual miscommunication
When we fake orgasm, it results in our partner downloading information to their brain about what we find pleasurable that does not work for us. It also directs our focus to performing instead of enjoying.
Your pleasure matters
Most women have faked orgasm at one point or the other. Why? There are a lot of reasons, but it often comes down to pressure or expectation. This is something worth exploring — to understand where this expectation and/or pressure comes from.
Questions to consider:
Is it coming from you or your partner, or both?
Is it around your own concern that your partner feels successful or not feel badly?
Is it because you’re tired and want sex to be done?
Is it because the sex you’re having isn’t pleasurable and you want to hurry it along?
Is it you or your partner’s expectation that you orgasm every time?
Is there an expectation or pressure to orgasm with intercourse alone?
honest communication with a partner
Here are a few ideas to help you start a conversation with a newer partner:
"Could we _______?" If you know what you want, get specific and ask for it.
"Touch me right here." To be even more specific, take your partner's hand and guide it where you want to be touched.
"I’m really enjoying myself, but I’m not going to orgasm." This communicates your pleasure as well as taking the pressure off orgasm.
If you are with a long time partner, obviously this is more complicated.
Telling someone that you have been faking can feel really scary and overwhelming. Certainly, this is a conversation that requires care if you choose to have it. The way you approach your partner must take into account that you have not been honest and why. The truth may be shocking to them. Likely, if you have been good at faking it - they have been good at believing it. They will have emotion about this - it is okay for them to have emotion about this.
Take some time to really consider the reasons why you have been faking and how you can communicate some of this to your partner. Here are a few ideas to help you start a conversation with a long time partner:
“I am understanding more about myself sexually and really would like to have an honest conversation about it with you.”
“I have learned some new things about how I orgasm, could I share that with you?”
“I am changing in how I view our sex life. I have found that I don’t need to orgasm every time for it to be pleasurable.”
Using ‘I’ statements like these, help a partner to receive the information with less defensive feelings. Talking to a partner about sex works best outside of the bedroom, and when you have given your partner a heads up that you want to have a discussion.
If having this conversation feels too difficult alone
Consider having a therapist or counselor help you navigate this conversation. Sex therapists are well trained for these kinds of conversations and could help you through it. Or perhaps you have a counselor you have worked with that can assist you.
You might want to start with opening this healthy conversation with yourself first - to come to a better understanding about your own relationship with sex, orgasm and pleasure.
One step at a time my friends, because your pleasure matters.
For more on this topic:
Let’s Talk Orgasms
Talking with a partner about sex
Exploring your perspective of pleasure
Want better sex? Ask yourself these questions
Pleasure Techniques
