My letter to young women
You are a human woman and your humanness includes being a sexual being. Your female body, as well as the curiosity and arousal you feel as a sexual human woman, is normal. This is part of the beautiful complexity of how you are designed.
Rather than embracing the exquisite way we are made as women, we develop ways to hide it and even come to hate it. We are propelled along this path both overtly and covertly by what we are taught within our families, culture and by religious teaching.
What did you grow up hearing about your body and developing sexuality? Was it positive and affirming or do words like “dirty,” “bad” and “shameful” come to mind? You are not alone. Did you grow up with a resounding silence around your femaleness? Silence about your genitals, silence about your body changing, and silence regarding sex. You are not alone.
The vast majority of girls in North America grow up with this kind of messaging and/or with silence surrounding their sexuality. These negative messages plant themselves like seeds into our minds and bodies. What often grows from those seeds is shame.
Shame is the result of thinking or hearing, “I am bad.” Shame is different from guilt. Guilt is the result of thinking “I did something bad.” Shame can also be the result of silence. So, whether you experienced silence about sex, or negative messaging that left you feeling you are “bad,” both of these scenarios can lead to the shame cycle. For a long time now, our culture and some religious teachings have used this shaming as a way of teaching the purity message, especially to girls. It’s a subliminal way of spelling out who we are to be as females, how we are to act as “good girls,” and the negative narrative about if we fail to meet these expectations.
Author and shame researcher Brené Brown states, “Shame is not a compass for moral behavior.” I believe this is true. Shame is a lousy compass and presents us with directions that lead to roads of silence, self-lies and sexual disgust. It hides the pathways to healthy body image and sexuality.
While it is extremely difficult for us as women to change this negative mantra and the lies that have taken root in our minds and bodies; it is possible. Not only is it possible, but it is absolutely crucial for us as we travel the journey of becoming whole, healthy humans. How do we shift away from our body-hating, and our buried self-disgust of our sexuality? What steps can we take to move into affirming acceptance of ourselves and ultimately come to a place of embracing our body as she is?
First we must remind ourselves that our body image does not include adjectives such as “dirty,” “bad” or “shameful.” We must tell ourselves over and over that we do not need to deny our femaleness; we do not have to hate our bodies. It is important to really think through the negative messages we have absorbed over the years and decide if they honestly hold true for us or if we need to let them go. Another step we can take is to give ourselves permission to look at our genitals, actually use a mirror and become acquainted with our good and beautiful body as she is. There is nothing shameful or wrong about understanding our body and how she works. Lastly, we can be mindful and come to understand that sexual pleasure for women is beautiful and we are equipped with the sexual anatomy to experience that pleasure.
I urge you to remind each other of our female uniqueness. Seize opportunities to encourage the women in your life toward acceptance of the goodness in how we are beautifully made. Speak the words of truth to each other - that we are beloved, fully accepted and truly loved as we are right now. As we do these things, we will begin to break the silence surrounding female sexuality. The silence that is within ourselves and amongst ourselves that hinders us from embracing the beautiful creation of woman. The beautiful creation of YOU.
Cindy
