Book Review: 'Becoming Cliterate' by Laurie Mintz, Ph.D.
The author, Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., a psychology professor and human sexuality expert, gets to the heart of ‘Why Orgasm Equality Matters —And How to Get it.’
Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., a psychology professor and human sexuality expert, gets to the heart of ‘Why Orgasm Equality Matters - And How To Get It’ in her book Becoming Cliterate. This is a worthwhile read for any woman, but I especially like it for women in their 20-30’s.
Becoming Cliterate won the 2019 Consumer Book of the Year Award from the Society of Sex Therapy and Research for “enhancing understanding of human sexuality and solving sexual problems.” The word I hear most often from women to describe how they feel after reading this book is “empowered!”
Mintz draws on her many years of teaching college aged women with her sassy, articulate, and funny writing style. This makes the book easy to read as well as entertaining. It is written almost like a guide and includes exercises, an abundance of tips and strategies as well as a section written specifically for men, (because honestly, don’t we want everyone to be cliterate!)
This book will increase your knowledge of the clitoris, masturbation, orgasm, female pleasure and communication with a partner in a non-clinical language you can easily receive. Myths will be debunked and truths will be told with the science to back it up. Included at the end is an appendix “Cool Tidbits For Your Lady Bits” that highlights resources - love that!
You can hear Laurie talk about these topics and her book in Episode 2 of the Permission for Pleasure Podcast! HERE
***** Highly recommend
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.
Orgasm, Passion, Menopause: Articles Worth Reading For Better Sex
A round up of some recent articles about sex, intimacy and relationships that are worth reading. A little something for everyone!
Here is a round up of some recent articles about sex, intimacy and relationships that are worth reading. There is a little something for everyone, including those in menopause or others seeking more passion!
*If you enjoy curated sex education like this, I want to invite you sign up for my monthly newsletter HERE (All of these articles were featured for my email community over the last several months).
For women
How To Fully Let Go During Sex
Sex therapist Vanessa Marin wrote this for Bustle. This article covers “7 tips for keeping your mind on the prize and learning how to orgasm with your partner.” Specifically, it talks about orgasm as a mental experience - not just a physical one. The 7 tips are for better ways to occupy your brain during sex and help to get around mental blockages.
A Therapist Explains 3 Psychological Blocks That Kill Women's Sexual Desire
Written by Alicia Munoz LPC, for Mind Body Green. This article gives a lot of food for thought. So, if these three blocks spark your interest, give it a read. #1 Others define my desirability. #2 It's my partner's job to arouse me. #3 I need to be feminine.
No Matter How Long You Take To Reach Orgasm, There Are Ways To Speed Things Up
Gabrielle Kassel wrote this article for WellandGood. Some excellent advice in this read from several experts on the topic of orgasm. Then they spell out 8 steps for how to orgasm faster without stressing about the clock.
For Couples
10 Best Intimate Sex Positions To Boost Your Love Connection
Written for Women’s Health Magazine, this article by Aryelle Siclait is a great one if your sex life needs a healthy dose of intimacy or if you just want a new position to try. With simple illustrations and the reasons why each position boosts intimacy, there’s an option for every couple.
The Three Keys To Passion
Cheryl Fraser, Ph.D wrote this for The Gottman Institute. A sex therapist explains the Passion Triangle. This is three keys needed to create a foundation for a lifelong romantic and sexual passion. What are the three sides to the triangle? Intimacy. Thrill. Sensuality. Don't be put off by the length, there are some nuggets here worth your time.
ONE For my over age 50 crowd
Can You Have Good Sex After Menopause?
The answer is yes! A great article by Joan Price for her Senior Sex Blog at Hot Octopuss. She addresses how menopause affects sex, talking to your doctor about menopause and sex, and adds in some practical sex tips as well.
SSRIs and Your Sex Life
There is a significant number of people on antidepressants and they are not always aware of the possible side effects, especially to their sexual health. Learn more about how SSRIs may be affecting your sex life.
A significant number of people are taking medications for depression or anxiety and they are not always aware of the possible side effects to their sexual health. Truthfully, even if the usual side effects are listed for you, the ones dealing with your sex life are often left off that list.
Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are the most commonly prescribed type of antidepressant and the 3rd most often prescribed medication in the United States. They are also prescribed to treat anxiety disorders. While not every person on SSRIs experiences side effects, these types of medication are known to have a potential impact on your sexual health. Studies indicate that these side effects may occur after a few doses, show up years afterward and can possibly persist for decades after use.
Medication Examples include: Prozac, Celexa, Zoloft, Paxil, Lexapro, Luvox
Possible secondary sexual problems caused by these medications are:
Less interest in sex
Difficulty becoming aroused
Sustaining arousal
Issues reaching orgasm
Delayed ejaculation
Erectile problems
Genital anesthesia
Nipple insensitivity
Decreased lubrication of the vagina
Diminished capacity to experience sexual pleasure
Pleasureless orgasms
Helpful considerations:
Keep in mind that depression & anxiety itself may be the underlying cause of some sexual difficulties and this must be taken into account when troubleshooting if what you are experiencing is related to a medication or a mental health condition.
The majority of side effects are overlapping except for the following that have been found specific to SSRIs: genital anesthesia, nipple or glans insensitivity, and pleasureless orgasms.
Talk to your medical provider about the side effects you are experiencing. Discuss the possibility of adjusting dosage, or another medication that is known to be sexually sparing, or having less sexual side effects. (tips for talking with your healthcare provider)
Talk openly with your partner about what you are experiencing. Have an honest conversation about the changes or issues and how the two of you might adapt or work with them together. Revisit this conversation often.
Notice what time of day you have the least amount of side effects and schedule sex for that time. Try morning sex instead of late at night.
Consider using a vibrator as a tool for a quicker arousal and warming up with potential to reach orgasm.
Bring a lube into your sexual tool kit to decrease friction and increase pleasure.
Try exercising before sex, to increase blood flow to your genitals.
Work with a trained therapist to talk through issues, problems, and possible solutions.
*photo courtesy of Kristin Scharkey
Erectile Changes vs Erectile Dysfunction
For men, erection changes are normal as they move into middle age and beyond. Just because you experience changes as you age, does not necessarily mean you have erectile dysfunction. Giving up on sex isn’t the answer!
Most people are aware that women experience sexual health changes with midlife and menopause, but are not so aware that men experience changes with midlife and aging as well.
For men, erection changes are normal as they move into middle age and beyond.
Many people assume the source of the changes is the condition called erectile dysfunction that they get regularly exposed to through the seemingly endless number of ads and commercials on TV and radio for medications to address it.
Just because you experience 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴 as you age, does not necessarily mean you have erectile dysfunction.
Normal changes that might occur with aging:
You don't become erect as quickly
You don't become erect with fantasy alone
To become erect, you need direct stimulation
Erections may not feel as firm
Erections may droop from minor distractions
It takes longer to get an erection again after orgasm/ejaculation
The changes above are symptomatic of the lesser known term erectile dissatisfaction. (dissatisfaction being the result of a man comparing his current erections to those when he was younger, and feeling his erections aren't quite the same)
Strictly speaking, true erectile dysfunction is the inability to get and keep an erection firm enough for sex. Perhaps an easier way to think about it is the inability to get and keep an erection despite vigorous and persistent stimulation.
If you are experiencing erectile changes, now is the time to get proactive by educating yourself about why the changes occur and what options are available to help.
Giving up on sex is not the answer!
Have an honest conversation with yourself first and acknowledge what is going on. Then, open up a discussion with your partner about the changes. See if the two of you can figure out ways to adapt your sex life to the changes.
Here are a few initial adjustments to consider if you are experiencing erectile dissatisfaction:
Keep your head in the game (!) - stay mentally focused and present
Plan for sex before big meals and alcohol consumption not afterwards (keep the blood flow going to your genitals, not your digestive system)
Timing - morning or afternoon sex instead of evening or night hours (you have more energy and testosterone levels are highest in the morning)
Try exercising before sex to increase blood flow to your genitals for faster arousal
Reframe penis-centered sex, focus less on your penis and more on full body pleasure
Keep performance anxiety in check - erection changes do not equal sexual failure
Have an agreed upon plan in place if you lose your erection during sex - such as we’ll use a toy, or switch to oral or manual stimulation
Recognize that your refractory period (simply your recovery times between orgasm/ejaculation and your next erection) lengthens as you age. Take this into account and refrain from masturbating 12-24 hours before partnered sex. Scheduling sex can be helpful in managing this.
Outside of the normal changes with aging, there are many factors that can contribute to, or cause difficulties with erectile function. Though not an exhaustive list, below are some of the potential contributors that need to be considered.
POSSIBLE CAUSES OF erectile issues for men:
Stress
Anxiety
Fatigue
Excessive alcohol use
Smoking
Decline in testosterone or testosterone deficiency
Conflict in the relationship
Performance anxiety
Medications (for example: diuretics, antihistamines, blood-pressure meds, antidepressants, or treatments for cancer)
Underlying health conditions such as: cardiovascular disease, diabetes, MS, Parkinson’s, clogged blood vessels, high cholesterol
Thyroid function
Treatments for prostate cancer
Sometimes a combination of physical and psychological issues causes dysfunction
As you can see by the length of the list above, that it may be worth scheduling a visit with your healthcare provider to help determine if any of the issues (or others) are affecting your erectile functioning. Also, it’s important to understand that this same list can possibly be affecting your sexual desire as well. If opening these kinds of conversations feels daunting, read my talking points to have a game plan in place before you see your healthcare provider.
Erectile issues are a big and sometimes complicated topic. This short blog is just the tip of the iceberg. There is much more to discuss regarding options, medications, and devices available for erectile dissatisfaction and/or erectile dysfunction. My hope is after reading here, you will open this important conversation with yourself, your partner and your medical provider.
Men, you are not alone in this.
As freaked out as you might feel about your penis not doing what it used to, these changes do not make you less of a man or require retirement from sex! Get educated, talk to your partner, make adjustments and schedule an appointment with your healthcare provider for a check up.
More on this topic:
How Toxic Masculinity Can Invade Your Sex Life
Men and Sex
Misconceptions Men Believe About Sex
Midlife and Beyond
Book Review: Celebrate Your Body, (and its changes too!)
A puberty book with a body-positive focus for girls ages 8+
There is a lot to like about this puberty book for girls that celebrates bodies and their changes too! Sonja Renee Taylor, founder of The Body Is Not An Apology, brings her commitment to radical self-love and body empowerment to this guide designed for girls ages 8+
As with any book on puberty, think of this guide as one option in your tool kit to open conversations with your daughter. I like Taylor’s tone of positive celebration over changing bodies as well as the book’s inclusivity of bodies that are all shapes, sizes and colors. It is simply illustrated, and uses very simple language. I appreciated the repeated emphasis on seeking out a trusted adult to talk, so important for girls to hear early and often!
Chapter themes include: bodies and their changes, anatomy basics, periods, breasts & bras, feelings & friends, and healthy lifestyle and nutrition. This book also offers print and online resources by chapter topic in the back of the book as well as a glossary and index.
My resource 6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child will give you some quick guidelines as you get started sharing books with your child. And if your child is starting sex ed at school soon, here are my Ten Tips for Parents to help you navigate healthy conversations in your home.
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.
Female Anatomy 101
Sex education for the majority of girls includes the internal female anatomy, but often leaves out the external. This blog is designed to give you a basic overview of female external anatomy. It can also be used to help give parents language to use as they educate their children about their bodies.
Sex education for the majority of girls includes the internal female anatomy, but often leaves out the external. So, while you may know terms such as uterus, ovaries and vagina. You may be less familiar with the vulva, labia and mons pubis. Beyond belief is the fact that the clitoris is often left out of sex education altogether. To be clear:
the clitoris is the central anatomy for female pleasure.
This blog is designed to give you a basic overview of female external anatomy. It can also be used to help give parents language to use as they educate their children.
VULVA
The vulva is the external female genitalia. I like to say - if you put your hand over your body from your pubic bone to below your vaginal opening -THIS is your vulva. It is A LOT more than your vagina, thus the reason we need to differentiate. (demo video on Instagram)
The vulva and the vagina are not the same thing.
The vulva includes: the labia, clitoris, opening to the urethra, opening to the vagina, and mons pubis. No two vulvas are exactly the same.
Normal vulvas do not look like what you see in pornography or magazines. Those images are often airbrushed and altered. There is a lot of beautiful diversity in normal vulvas.
THE TWO OPENINGS IN THE VULVA
The opening to the vagina. The vagina is a muscular tube that extends from the vulva to the opening of the uterus called the cervix. Menstrual fluid/period blood flows from the vaginal opening. (demo video)
The opening to the urethra. The urethra is the tube that transports urine (pee) from the bladder to the outside of your body. It is located above the opening to the vagina and below the glans clitoris. Urine/pee flows from the urethral opening. (demo video)
MONS PUBIS
The mons pubis is the soft tissue mound that covers the pubic bone. During puberty, pubic hair grows in this area. The mons pubis contains oil-secreting glands that release pheromones, which play a role in sexual attraction. The mons pubis can be many shapes and sizes and can change as you age. Your body and your mons pubis is unique to you.
PUBIC HAIR
Pubic hair is not unhygienic or dirty and in fact serves a purpose. It provides a natural cushion against friction. It provides a barrier to help protect you from viruses and bacteria. It protects your skin against irritation and plays a role in regulating temperature. It is always your own personal decision what you do with your pubic hair.
CLITORIS
The clitoris is an entire network. The glans or head is the only external and visible part of a whole connected internal structure. The glans is located near the top of your vulva, where your inner labia meet. It can be about the size of a pea or as big as a thumb. Each person’s clitoris can be a different size. The clitoris is made up of spongy erectile tissue that swells with sexual arousal. There is a clitoral hood located where your labia minora (inner lips) meet. This hood may cover all, some or none of your glans clitoris. The clitoris has thousands of sensitive nerve endings. (demo video)
The primary function of the the clitoris: sensation and pleasure.
For more on the clitoris please see the blog: The Clitoris - it’s a Network!
LABIA
The vulva has two sets of labia. The outer lips are called labia majora. The inner lips are called labia minora. Female labia come in all shapes, sizes and coloring. The labia minora often extend beyond the labia majora. This is normal. The inner lips may be all one color, or may be several colors with possible darkening toward the ends. One lip may be longer or shorter than the other. Again, all normal.
PERINEUM
The perineum is located below the entrance to the vagina and above the anus. This small area has a network of blood vessels and tissue below the surface. For many, it is pleasure sensitive area after arousal and increased blood flow.
ANUS
The anus is located below the vaginal opening. It is the opening to your rectum. This is where feces (poop) exits your body. It has lots of sensitive nerve endings. The anus does not self lubricate. (demo video)
Book Review: Naked at Our Age, Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex
This book is a solid resource for my over 50 crowd. As the author points out, “wrinkles and decades of birthdays are no deterrent to hot sex.”
This book is a solid resource for my over 50 crowd. As the author points out, “wrinkles and decades of birthdays are no deterrent to hot sex.”
Joan Price, calls herself an "advocate for ageless sexuality” and she does a great job of talking out loud about senior sex! The approach is honest and no nonsense in addressing both the challenges and joys of pursing love and sex in the second half of life.
NAKED AT OUR AGE READS A LOT LIKE A QUESTION & ANSWER WORKSHOP.
Men and women from all walks of life candidly ask their questions and tell their stories about sex. Then, the author, along with a wide range of experts, gives their answers, tips and advice. It is very easy to read and has a good index to search for specific topics.
Covering both physical and emotional topics, it addresses relationship issues as well as common health concerns and includes a lot of tangible ideas for sexuality in your 50’s and beyond.
(Do you see all my stickies in the photo? There are some gems in this book!!)
There are 20 chapters, here are a few examples: Reviving Desire, Sex With Myself, Reclaiming Sexuality After Cancer, Erectile Dysfunction (2 chapters), and The Old Ways Don't Do It Anymore.
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.
Pain and Sex
Painful sex is never normal. Take a step toward finding out what is going on with your body. You do NOT have to give up on sex!
Painful sex is never normal.
Due to the lack of education about sex, and years of hearing half-truths, many women think pain with sex is typical or normal. They believe that pain might just be part of what every woman experiences with sex.
False.
If you are experiencing painful penetration, the three reasons I address here are potential causes that have solutions that you can take control over right now.
However, if these more common causes don’t seem to be the issue, then I encourage you to seek help from your medical provider. Preferably, start with an OB/GYN doctor or a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist. A qualified healthcare provider can assess more involved issues causing dyspareunia. Dyspareunia is the medical term for genital pain that occurs just before, during or after intercourse. Though certainly not an exhaustive list, a few examples of conditions that might cause pain would be: hormonal changes that decrease lubrication and elasticity of the vagina; ovarian cysts; fibroids; endometriosis; skin irritation or inflammation; infection; or vaginismus.
There are solutions, and I strongly encourage you to seek the help.
Tips on talking about sexual health with your healthcare provider HERE.
Three Common Causes
1. Not enough “arousal” time before penetration
Women’s bodies require sufficient time for arousal in order to get to a place of desiring anything entering their vagina. Allowing time for increased arousal will give your vagina and vulva the time they need to lubricate. This also increases blood flow which allows your vagina to soften and lengthen. All of these arousal responses help ensure that you don’t feel pain during sex.
Take your time!
2. Not enough lubrication before penetration
Lubrication is absolutely necessary for penetrative sex not to result in pain. Some women’s bodies produce a lot of natural lubricant, and some don’t. Both are normal! It is important to understand how your own body functions and if you naturally lubricate enough for pleasure or if you need added lubrication. Many women need or desire more lube than they produce -- sometimes all the time, and sometimes at varying seasons in their lives. Some possible causes of decreased lubrication might be: hormonal changes, medications, menopause, postpartum or breastfeeding, and aging.
There are many lube options available, read about them HERE.
3. Positioning
If certain sex positions are painful for you then by all means, STOP using that position or figure out ways to modify that position so it doesn’t hurt. Often a certain position may be uncomfortable because penetration is too hard or too deep. An easy adjustment for this is to try positions where you are in charge of how deep and how hard. Women sometimes find that positions where they are on top allows them this kind of control. There are also options to customize penetration depth with devices such as Ohnut rings.
Gently try different positions and evaluate what works or doesn’t work for you.
What usually happens if someone has pain with sex?
They stop desiring it and ultimately stop having it altogether. Communication with your partner is crucial in working through pain with sex. Be honest with them. Talk about what is going on with your body and what you want to do about it. Take a step toward breaking the silence.
You do NOT have to give up on sex!
Learn more on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast
Pelvic Health and Painful Sex
* links are not sponsored content, but if you want to try Ohnut mentioned above, they offer my community 15% with code CINDY
Let's Talk Quickies
Let’s talk “Quickies!” Intimacy with your partner can look a million different ways and a quick sexual connection is certainly one of them.
Let’s talk “Quickies!”
Intimacy with your partner can look a million different ways and a quick sexual connection is certainly one of them.
A quickie is the term given to sex that is just that – quick.
There are a lot of seasons in life when you only have 5 minutes to get it on and 5 minutes is better than nothing. A brief sexual encounter can infuse your relationship with a spurt of sexual energy. This energy helps keep the two of you connected to each other until you have time and space for a longer intimacy date.
Let’s be real. Quickies don’t have to be the best sex you ever had together.
In fact, they probably won’t be. It’s best if expectations are reasonable and the focus is on bringing your bodies together. This means keeping the focus on pleasurable connection, a little fun and a lot of affectionate playfulness!
Limited time equals minimal foreplay or warming up activities. This likely means that not everyone may orgasm. (especially women). Agree ahead of time that this is okay for both partners.
Orgasm isn’t necessarily the goal here.
Absolutely awesome if it happens, but absolutely okay if it doesn’t.
As is often said, timing is everything. There are times when your arousal may be speedier, such as after exercising or earlier in the day. Engaging in a quickie at these times may help increase pleasure and fun.
Sometimes, you and your partner may have different ideas about what a quickie looks like or feels like. This is normal. If you have never talked about it, take some time to communicate with each other about what feels pleasurable and what doesn’t. You might want to use this post to jump start the conversation. Together, come up with two or three scenarios that feel comfortable, feasible and fun! Ideally, this is an open-ended conversation that you will circle back to often and at different seasons in your relationship.
Think outside your typical sex framework.
Especially if intercourse is your usual sexual go-to, consider new ways to pleasure each other. Perhaps try something new? Like meeting up in the shower, keeping most of your clothes on, or just using your hands. Use your imagination!
Rather listen to this topic?
Permission for Pleasure Podcast: Episode 23
Listen: 'Let's expand foreplay & Increase arousal' on the Smart Sex podcast
Listen in on my conversation about foreplay and arousal with certified sex therapist Leslie Gustafson on the Smart Sex podcast.
I was delighted to be invited back for another conversation with Leslie Gustafson on the Smart Sex Podcast! (Listen to our first conversation here).
This episode, #13, is a deep dive into what foreplay really is - in and out of the bedroom.
We discuss expanding your idea of foreplay, by dispelling the myth that foreplay is simply “pre-gaming.'‘
This conversation includes tips for using your senses, the differences between male and female arousal and ideas to help couples enhance their intimate relationship and sex life.
Listen via the links below.
Let’s keep opening these kinds of healthy conversations about sex!
My Letter To Young Women
What did you grow up hearing about your body and developing sexuality? Was it positive and affirming or do words like “dirty,” “bad” and “shameful” come to mind? You are not alone.
You are a human woman and your humanness includes being a sexual being. Your female body, as well as the curiosity and arousal you feel as a sexual human woman, is normal. This is part of the beautiful complexity of how you are designed.
Rather than embracing the exquisite way we are made as women, we develop ways to hide it and even come to hate it. We are propelled along this path both overtly and covertly by what we are taught within our families, culture and by religious teaching.
What did you grow up hearing about your body and developing sexuality? Was it positive and affirming or do words like “dirty,” “bad” and “shameful” come to mind? You are not alone. Did you grow up with a resounding silence around your femaleness? Silence about your genitals, silence about your body changing, and silence regarding sex. You are not alone.
The vast majority of girls in North America grow up with this kind of messaging and/or with silence surrounding their sexuality. These negative messages plant themselves like seeds into our minds and bodies. What often grows from those seeds is shame.
Shame is the result of thinking or hearing, “I am bad.” Shame is different from guilt. Guilt is the result of thinking “I did something bad.” Shame can also be the result of silence. So, whether you experienced silence about sex, or negative messaging that left you feeling you are “bad,” both of these scenarios can lead to the shame cycle. For a long time now, our culture and some religious teachings have used this shaming as a way of teaching the purity message, especially to girls. It’s a subliminal way of spelling out who we are to be as females, how we are to act as “good girls,” and the negative narrative about if we fail to meet these expectations.
Author and shame researcher Brené Brown states, “Shame is not a compass for moral behavior.” I believe this is true. Shame is a lousy compass and presents us with directions that lead to roads of silence, self-lies and sexual disgust. It hides the pathways to healthy body image and sexuality.
While it is extremely difficult for us as women to change this negative mantra and the lies that have taken root in our minds and bodies; it is possible. Not only is it possible, but it is absolutely crucial for us as we travel the journey of becoming whole, healthy humans. How do we shift away from our body-hating, and our buried self-disgust of our sexuality? What steps can we take to move into affirming acceptance of ourselves and ultimately come to a place of embracing our body as she is?
First we must remind ourselves that our body image does not include adjectives such as “dirty,” “bad” or “shameful.” We must tell ourselves over and over that we do not need to deny our femaleness; we do not have to hate our bodies. It is important to really think through the negative messages we have absorbed over the years and decide if they honestly hold true for us or if we need to let them go. Another step we can take is to give ourselves permission to look at our genitals, actually use a mirror and become acquainted with our good and beautiful body as she is. There is nothing shameful or wrong about understanding our body and how she works. Lastly, we can be mindful and come to understand that sexual pleasure for women is beautiful and we are equipped with the sexual anatomy to experience that pleasure.
I urge you to remind each other of our female uniqueness. Seize opportunities to encourage the women in your life toward acceptance of the goodness in how we are beautifully made. Speak the words of truth to each other - that we are beloved, fully accepted and truly loved as we are right now. As we do these things, we will begin to break the silence surrounding female sexuality. The silence that is within ourselves and amongst ourselves that hinders us from embracing the beautiful creation of woman. The beautiful creation of YOU.
Cindy
Understanding Your Desire Style For Better Sex
If more couples understood the concept of desire styles, there could be a lot less conflict and a lot more sex!
DO YOU FIGHT ABOUT SEX IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? YOU’RE NOT ALONE.
One of most common arguments among couples is how often they’re having sex. Frequently, it comes down to one partner wanting sex more than the other. This can lead to trouble in the bedroom -- and relationship. If more couples understood the concept of desire styles, there could be a lot less conflict and a lot more sex!
A desire style is the way in which you experience an interest to have sex.
Desire is not a drive, like hunger. Sexual desire actually works more like curiosity. Think of it like this: What has to happen for you to be motivated to have sex? It is also important to understand that there is a difference between desire and arousal. Desire is your motivation to want to have sex, while arousal is your mind and body’s physical response.
The truth about sexual desire is that there is more than one way to experience it.
It is normal for partners to have mismatched styles.
Here’s one example: Some of you can walk into the kitchen and just the sight of your lover’s butt as they’re bent over the dishwasher sparks a desire to have sex. Others of you may be thinking, “Really? That does nothing for me.” But for those of you in the latter group, what if you saw that your partner had loaded that dishwasher when it wasn’t their turn? You go to kiss them and say thank you. They do that thing with their tongue up the side of your neck. Does that do something for you?
Having mismatched desire styles doesn’t mean something is “broken” in one partner.
It just means you’re different. However, conflict can arise when couples lack understanding about how each partner experiences desire. The key here is communication. When you understand your partner’s style -- and they understand yours -- you can accommodate each other in a blended sex life.
So, let’s get curious about the three desire styles:
Spontaneous Desire
Some people experience desire first then arousal. This is called spontaneous desire. How this might look: You encounter your partner taking off a piece of clothing and that sparks your desire to have sex, which leads to arousal. This person wants and desires sex quickly or seemingly “out of the blue.” About 15% of women and 75% of men have spontaneous desire. Pretty big discrepancy, right? If couples understood this statistic alone, there could be a lot less fighting about sex.
Responsive Desire
If you experience responsive desire, then your mind and body need to be aroused before you desire to have sex. How this might look: You are kissing your partner, and they are touching you in the way you like best. You weren’t thinking about sex before, but now you find yourself interested. Basically, you need more than just your partner standing in front of you with their shirt off. About 30% of women and 5% of men have responsive desire.
Combination Desire
Many people experience both spontaneous and responsive desire. It just depends on context. How this might look: One day, you and your partner have been texting sexy messages back and forth all day. When they walk in the door, you jump into their arms -- immediately ready to have sex. In this context, sexual desire feels spontaneous. On another day, you may be reading on the couch when your partner comes up and touches you in a way that causes your body to respond -- leading to motivation for sex. In this relaxed context, sexual desire feels responsive. About half of all women and quite a few men experience desire this way.
Something to keep in mind: Desire styles can change -- over time and according to context.
What worked for you early on may not work now.
Desire is influenced by many factors, including hormones, exhaustion, stress, medical conditions, past trauma and relationship conflict, to name a few.
As we age, we naturally move into more responsive desire, so it is crucial to understand this style to keep sexually connected if/when spontaneity no longer works (if it ever did!).
This isn’t a one-time discussion with your partner.
Stay curious, and keep the conversation going.
FOUR ACTION STEPS
Talk about your desire style with your partner. Even better, read this blog out loud and discuss how it relates to your sexual relationship.
Take some time alone and ask yourself questions such as: What stimulates and arouses me? What makes me feel sexual? What draws me toward touching? Then find a time to share your responses with your partner.
Discuss sexual frequency. Talking about how often you would like to have sex is normal. Particularly for couples who have mismatched desire styles, it can be helpful to come to an agreement that you’re both comfortable with. Another idea: Schedule sex dates to look forward to together.
Listen to these episodes about desire on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast by yourself or with your partner to open the conversation.
6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child
Using books can jump-start conversations with your child.
Using books can jump start conversations with your child.
Read the book before sharing it with your child. Understand what content is there.
Especially with younger child, reading the book together may be the way to go. This will allow you to filter information, give alternate language and answer immediate questions as you read.
Feel the freedom to read parts of a book together at one point and leave other parts for later. There may be parts you want to leave out altogether.
If you give your child a book, HAND it to them. Please don’t just leave it for them to randomly find. You want to communicate your comfort and availability in being their primary source of sex education.
Follow up so that you can answer questions and initiate discussion. Even if they do not come to you and ask--YOU initiate follow up conversation.
No book is perfect. No parent is perfect. We are not trying for perfect. Our goal is to do the very best we can to give the right information at the right time.
Learn more:
Letter to parents
Conversations starters for parenting partners
My child is starting sex ed at school. Send help!
Why Sex-Ed Really Matters
Mother/Daughter Interview
Less Shame. More Sex Ed
Childhood sexual abuse prevention: 2 tools for parents
Book Review: 'She Comes First' by Ian Kerner
Witty and easy to follow, ‘She Comes First’ is filled with lots of solid information about female anatomy and sexual pleasure, and whole lot about oral sex!
‘She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman’ is written to men, but is a great all around read for women and couples together. Witty and easy to follow, it is filled with lots of solid information about female anatomy and sexual pleasure, and a plethora about oral sex!
Kerner, a sex therapist, acknowledges that most men are “ill-cliterate,” and with this book provides simple language for every man to get better acquainted with the female clitoris. As he states, “this book is not anti-intercourse, but rather pro-”outercourse,” which goes along with his statement that “oral sex isn’t just foreplay, it’s coreplay.”
I recommend couples read this book together and discuss it along the way. Learn something new, try something new and have lot’s and lot’s of fun conversation along the way!
Here’s an excerpt I like from Kerner in answer to the number one question sent in to him by women:
”What can I do to have an orgasm during intercourse?”
"Here's a simple answer: Don't have intercourse.
Or at least make it part of the larger event and not the event itself...
When we know how to recognize and navigate the process of female sexual response, when we understand the role of the clitoris in stimulating that process, then sex becomes easier, simpler, and more rewarding, and we're impelled to create pleasure not just with our penises, but with our hands and mouths, bodies and minds. In letting go of intercourse, we open ourselves up to new creative ways of experiencing pleasure, ways that may not strike us as inherently masculine, but ultimately allow us to be more of a man. Sex is no longer penis-dependent, and we can let go of the usual anxieties about size, stamina, and performance. We are free to love with more of ourselves, with our entire self."
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.
Pleasurable Touch Exercise
Communicate to your partner how and where you enjoy being touched.
PLEASURABLE TOUCH
Often, we give touch the way we want to receive it. Our partner may enjoy touch differently than we do since everyone does not receive touch the same way.
It is important to communicate to your partner how and where you enjoy being touched.
Also, it is important to ask your partner how and where they enjoy being touched.
If you know each other extremely well, the exercise below may play out differently than if you are new to each other. Either way - have fun, listen well, communicate honestly and enjoy intentionally giving and receiving touch with each other.
This is a wonderful exercise to do regularly as a couple. We change, and pleasure in how we receive touch can also change.
TOUCHING SESSION
Take turns touching each other’s bodies all over
Start at the feet or head, and then move over the whole body, everywhere but the genitals
Tell each other how and where touch is most pleasurable for you
Listen and take note of what your partner says
Use a simple rating system that feels comfortable for you to communicate levels of pleasure
0-5 (0 = doesn’t really do anything for me, 5 = that’s my favorite)
Humming or murmuring quietly to loudly
Simply saying yes, no or maybe
Fun options
Use massage oil or a massage candle for the touch session (check out products from Maude use code CINDY10 and Coconu use code PLEASURE)
Blindfold the partner receiving touch
At another time, use the information you gathered here first to touch your partner in all the places they find pleasurable and then include the genitals
*I may earn a small commission if you purchase products from my links. I choose carefully and only recommend products for their quality, performance, and overall reputation, regardless of any affiliate relationship.
Do I Need To Douche?
Do I need to douche? No, the vagina is a self cleaning organ.
Forget all the damaging myths that your vagina is in need of some kind of cleaning
There is so much false and constant messaging that women’s genitalia is in need of upkeep at all times. Beware! This incorrect information comes from sources that are also trying to sell you something.
The vagina is a self-cleaning organ
It uses natural secretions to carry dead cells and unwanted bacteria out of your body.
This means that douching and using other products like deodorants, sprays, washes, or powders is not a healthy practice. These kinds of products can disturb the natural pH balance found in the vagina.
Let your vagina clean herself. She is perfectly capable to do so!
Here’s a short video about this topic on Instagram.
Medications and Your Sexual Health
Medications can affect your sexual health and it is always smart to ask about side effects BEFORE starting any medication.
Medications can affect your sexual health.
It is always smart to ask about side effects before starting any medication. It is also smart to ask specifically about side effects to your sexual health. Although I realize that many providers do not address sex, I want to encourage you to be the one to bring it up! If that sounds scary, I have provided tips on how to talk to a provider about sex to help you.
Your sexual health matters and I want to help you gain confidence to talk about it! If you think you may be experiencing side effects like these below or others, contact your health care provider to discuss it.
Examples of sexual function that can be affected:
ability to reach orgasm
natural lubrication
diminishment of sensations
erectile dysfunction or problems with ejaculation
decrease in sexual desire.
Examples of medications that may have side effects for your sexual health:
antidepressants (SSRIs and your sex life)
hormones and hormonal birth control
anti-hypertensives for high blood pressure
some antihistamines
Talking About Sexual Health With Your Medical Provider
Sexual health is part of your overall health, but many people find it uncomfortable to talk about.
Sexual health is part of your overall health.
Many people find it uncomfortable to talk about sex and sexuality.
Talking about it with a medical provider can feel scary enough to keep you silent.
It can be intimidating, but your sexual health matters.
As a longtime nurse and patient advocate, one of the easiest tools I encourage clients to use is this:
write out a script or questions on a small card or in your phone and take with you to medical appointments. When a health care provider sees that you have specific questions or concerns written down, it helps them to pause, listen and address your concerns. It also helps you to remember what you want to ask or what you want to talk about.
Here are some talking points to get you started:
I would like to discuss my sexual health or I would like to discuss sex.
Something is not working correctly or ___ is happening.
____ is interfering with my sexual desire/arousal/orgasms/genitals/pleasure.
What I think might be going on is ___.
I can’t figure out what is going on.
What can we do to figure this out? Are there tests we can do?
If you cannot help me, who can you refer me to?
Will you please give me that referral before I leave today?
4 Questions For Parents As They Talk About Sexual Health With Kids
Feel more prepared to navigate your role as your child's sexual health educator.
When I am teaching parent workshops, I encourage parents to think through their own feelings about sex and sexuality. Your past experiences, and your own sexual health education you received growing up - do influence how you parent your own child and their sexual health.
It’s important for parents to do some personal investigation and reflection into this. And, if you are parenting with a partner, take some time to discuss together how you will approach sexual health with your own child. These ongoing conversations will help you feel more prepared as you navigate your role as your child's sexual health educator.
Here are 4 questions to get you started:
What influenced you as a child growing up in regard to sexual health?
What is your comfort level in talking out loud about bodies and sexual health topics?
What are your feelings and thoughts about nakedness in your home?
What education do you have or still need to teach your child their sexual anatomy?
Learn more about these topics:
Letter of encouragement to parents.
My child is starting sex ed at school. Help!
Tips for using sexual health themed books with your child.
Why Sex-Ed Really Matters
Mother/Daughter Interview: Healthy Conversations About Sex
Female anatomy 101
Natural Health Benefits Of Orgasm
Orgasms are good for you! Learn some of the healthy benefits.
Orgams are good for you!
Besides pleasure of course, here are 8 reasons to have regular orgasms:
1. Raises the heart rate and increases oxygen to the bloodstream.
2. Release of "feel-good" chemicals that can bring a sense of calm and well being to lower stress and anxiety levels.
3. Brings blood flow to the genitals through arousal. This is like nutrients for your tissues and pelvic floor.
4. Promote relaxation and can help with sleep.
5. Release of hormones that have pain-relieving properties.
6. Boosts the immune system
7. Promotes neuron growth in the area of the brain that is important for memory and learning.
8. Helps you feel connected with a partner through release of oxytocin.
Learn more
Answering your questions about orgasm
The key to female pleasure
Are there different kinds of orgasms?
Tips for speeding up arousal
Pleasure techniques with penetration
Let’s talk orgasms
How can I experience multiple orgasms?
